This weekend I stayed in Birmingham. I needed to get some school things organized and I needed a little R and R. Its hard to admit out loud, but this journey hasn't been all rainbows and sunshine. Recently, I've felt very homesick and lost. Going into it, I had such a grand idea of what I thought this process would be and its not living up to my expectations. I knew that it probably wouldn't; I aimed really high, like my over- achieving self often does. But most things haven't even been great. So, I knew that I needed to get all my pouting and frustration and sadness out of my mind and body so that I was free to change my own path. My mommy, daddy, and boyfriend have been a huge support to me. They have seen me cry and cry. They have heard about this struggle, that struggle, and the next. They have sat there why I just stared angrily at nothing, feeling helpless and alone. They watched me cry some more. And, they told me that they loved me. They told me that I had options. They told me to stay positive. They pushed me to think differently and try new things. They gave me hope, because I didn't have it for myself.
This weekend I have re- realized who I am and how I function. This experience is meant to be hard for me, because that is how I learn. I have always been pushed. My life lessons have not come easily. So, knowing that I have been wholly and finally completely emerged into this chapter of my life, I now have the strength to control how it affects me. I was told once that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it. My 90% has been full of confusion and negativity, but I feel now, that I can change that. I know that I needed to be angry and lost and confused. I know that most of that negativeness will no longer be present in this journey. I'm glad that this negative attitude was only around for about two weeks! And that I had a calming and relaxing weekend to deal with it.
I have taken the time this weekend to find my way within myself and around my community. Friday, I ventured back to the Bullring shopping mall and explored more of it. Sounds like a bad idea, being a shopping mall and all. But I told myself that I wouldn't go into any clothing stores or look at any shoes! I did, however, make it into a home goods store and let me tell you, I'm a sucker for cute things that decorate, personalize, and make a house (or a dorm room) a home. But, I was really good (and very proud of myself) and only bought one little decoration. I bought a little heart that hangs on the wall and reads: Life takes you to unexpected places, Love brings you home. I felt that it was VERY appropriate and therefore, a MUST HAVE! I also bought another mug, but that was only because I dropped and broke the first one two days before. I also spent hours in a bookstore. I didn't bring my Bible with me to England because I didn't want anything to happen to it, so I needed a Bible. (It will also come in super handy for my History of Christianity lecture!) I also wanted to find something else that could lift my spirits. I found a little book of poems that make me smile like a child. They are filled with fun and love and make me remember my childhood. That was a good find! Its funny to think how words can be so moving. They, if used correctly, can be so full of emotion and motivation and they will push you to be who you want, to be who you see in the mirror. Words. They do that! I want to love like a child and smile like a child; have the heart of a child. And these words, put together in poems, do that for me. They make me see me. And isn't that what this weekend was about? Me? Yes, it really needed to be!
Saturday I explored more of the city again; but this time I went somewhere new! I found the city library! It is big and beautiful and modern and brand, spanking new. Locals were constantly walking through as though they were tourists. To me, it was new anyways. It is a ginormous place filled with work stations and bright colored, cushioned kids' areas and quiet research sections. There was a place for everybody here, even me. I got a 'filtered' coffee (they really only do espresso here, so it was awesome getting normal coffee) and the best blueberry muffin of my life! Not joking! I took my goodies up to the first floor and found a place to sit. (Side rant- This is one of the things I REALLY don't like about England. They call the first floor the ground floor and the first level up the first floor. So, it does technically make sense and I do understand why they do this, but its really annoying and confusing! If I'm not standing on solid ground, I'm not on the first floor. Ground, that's one. One up, is two!! Not that hard! End of side rant!) I unloaded my laptop, stuck in my headphones, and went to work. I read all my emails, I picked my essay topics for the end of semester essays, and I color- coded the heck out of my agenda. Each class has a different color and that color is ONLY used for that class. Call me ridiculous, but I feel organized! I even started on some of my research. After being stationed for two and a half hours, I was getting restless and my computer was running out of juice. So I packed up, colored markers and all, and went to peruse the library. It was even more massive than I first thought! After my level of overwhelmedness became unbearable, I decided to leave and find a different way home. I luckily ran into a post office and dropped off some postcards that I fortunately had with me (by fortunately, I mean totally planned). As I kept walking, I started to realize where I was. I had made a circle and was now in the familiar Bullring shopping area. I cheerfully moved through the herds of people and came out to my normal route home. The day had passed at this point and that means one thing, rain. Fortunately (again, totally planned and prepared), I had my umbrella in my backpack! Thankfully, I did! It was quite a rain; and not only that, but it was crazy windy! My umbrella even blew out and concaved. It was a struggle! But I fixed it, held it tight, and walked home as fast as I could. It had been a good day! But the night wasn't looking so good. This is when most of my emotions and realizations happened. After a good, long skype session with my mom, I had red, puffy eyes and a tired mind. I knew that I needed to wake up in the morning and be prepared to prove to myself that I could do this, that I could turn this all around and make this journey the experience of a lifetime. I mean it couldn't be that hard, the last two days had been a turning point; they had been positive days where I realized that I can be all alone and still find happiness and adventure.
So, I woke up this morning ready for a change. I had cleared my head and opened my heart. I was willing to accept what was to come my way and I was prepared for it. I can't plan up what I want to happen, I just have to let it happen. Today, I found a church. City Church. It was a beautiful walk away from my flat and a good opportunity for my heart. I needed to find a church. I needed to find this church. It came right at the right time. I have found my way! I had multiple people come up and introduce themselves to me and then take me to introduce me to others. It was a warm and welcoming and very needed feeling. Maybe my grand idea wasn't supposed to happen. Maybe its someone else's grand idea. Maybe I need to listen to myself less and listen to Him more. Today I re-realized that I can find my own way, but that there is someone laying down the bricks right in front of me before my feet take me there. He's got a plan for me and I'm finally open to it. My 90% of reacting is finally defining the me that I want to be. My actions and thoughts and feelings are all part of the Jamie that is growing and learning and loving this experience. I have turned this attitude around and I have found my way in this journey. England, watch out, I'm prepared for whatever you have to throw at me now!
Until next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment